How to Teach Empathy to Kids: A Stage-by-Stage Guide

Empathy is not a trait some children have and others don't. It is a developmental skill that unfolds in predictable stages - and parents can support each stage with surprisingly concrete moves.

The clearest map of how this skill develops comes from Harvard developmental psychologist Robert Selman, whose research on perspective-taking has shaped how schools, therapists, and pediatricians think about children's social cognition for over forty years.

What empathy actually is

Empathy has two components, both important:

• Cognitive empathy - understanding what another person is feeling and why.
• Emotional empathy - feeling something in response to another person's feeling.

Cognitive empathy is what Selman called perspective-taking, and it is the part most directly teachable. It is also the part that drives kindness in real situations - children who can imagine how a classmate feels are far more likely to act on it.

Selman's five stages of perspective-taking

Selman's framework is the developmental backbone of social-emotional learning. Stages are approximate; ages overlap.

Stage 0 — Egocentric (ages 3-6)

The child knows others have feelings but mixes them up with their own. If they are happy, they assume you are too. What helps: name feelings out loud, often. 'You feel happy. I feel tired.'

Stage 1 — Social-Informational (ages 5-9)

The child realizes that different information leads to different feelings. 'She doesn't know the dog is friendly, so she's scared.' What helps: stories where a character knows something another doesn't. Discuss what each character knows.

Stage 2 — Self-Reflective (ages 7-12)

The child can step inside another's perspective and see themselves from outside. 'He thinks I was being mean, but I didn't mean to be.' What helps: replay-the-scene conversations. Ask: 'What might your friend have been thinking?'

Stage 3 — Mutual / Third-Person (ages 10-15)

The child can hold two perspectives simultaneously and imagine a third party watching. The foundation of fairness and conflict resolution.

Stage 4 — Societal (ages 14+)

Understanding that perspectives are shaped by culture, system, and context.

For parents of children under 10, the work happens almost entirely in stages 0-2.

What we know works (and what doesn't)

A growing evidence base - including a randomized trial of the Kindness Curriculum at the University of Wisconsin (Flook et al., Developmental Psychology, 2015) - points to a few methods that consistently build empathy in young children.

What works

• Naming emotions in the child and others, dozens of times a day
• Reading and discussing stories where characters have inner lives (Kucirkova, 2019; Dunn et al., 2001)
• Modeling repair when you yourself have been harsh - 'I was frustrated. That wasn't fair to you. I'm sorry.'
• Coaching in the moment of conflict: 'Look at her face. What might she be feeling?'
• Cooperative play and simple chores done together

What doesn't work

• Lecturing about being kind
• Forcing apologies before the child feels anything
• Shaming a child for not feeling empathy ('How would you like it if…')
• Moralizing stories with heavy-handed lessons children tune out

The single most underused tool: stories

A 2015 experimental study found that 7-year-olds who read and discussed stories about characters' emotional experiences showed measurable improvements in empathy compared to controls (cited in Greater Good Science Center, UC Berkeley).

Why stories work so well:

• They give children practice taking another's perspective in a low-stakes setting.
• The narrative format makes inner states visible - what a character thinks, fears, hopes.
• A bedtime story is delivered when the child's nervous system is calm, which is when learning consolidates.
• Repetition is welcomed - children ask for the same story night after night, and each repetition deepens perspective-taking.

This is why pediatric SEL programs increasingly rely on narrative as a primary delivery system.

What to do, by age

Ages 3-5 (Stage 0)

• Use a simple emotion vocabulary: happy, sad, mad, scared, surprised, frustrated, lonely.
• Narrate other people's feelings: 'The cashier looks tired.'
• Read stories where the character's feeling is the whole point.

Ages 6-8 (Stages 1-2)

• Pause stories and ask: 'What does she know that he doesn't?'
• After a sibling or friend conflict, replay it together calmly: 'What were you thinking? What might they have been thinking?'
• Encourage helping behavior with concrete tasks (carrying groceries for a neighbor, drawing a card).

Ages 9-10 (Stages 2-3)

• Discuss real-world situations: a classmate who was excluded, a story in the news at their level.
• Ask 'Why might someone do that?' questions before 'Was that right?' questions.
• Introduce the idea of repair: how to make something better after you have hurt someone.

Why bedtime is the empathy hour

Three things converge at bedtime that are perfect for empathy work:

1. The child is physiologically calm - receptive, not defensive.
2. Stories are already part of the routine in most households.
3. There is one-on-one parent attention.

A short bedtime story whose protagonist faces a small social dilemma - and resolves it through perspective-taking - gives a child something almost no other format does: rehearsal. They watch a child like them imagine what someone else feels, and choose to act on it. Over time, this rehearsal is what turns an idea into a habit.

When to seek professional support

Empathy develops at different rates, and short-term lapses are normal. Speak with a pediatrician if:

• A child older than 6 consistently shows no concern when others are visibly hurt or upset.
• Aggressive behavior toward people or animals persists despite consistent guidance.
• You notice marked difficulty understanding others' emotions paired with broader social communication challenges.

For children with autism or ADHD, perspective-taking can be supported with structured approaches; multiple studies show empathy skills can be taught with modeling, prompting, and reinforcement (Schrandt et al., J Appl Behav Anal, 2009).

A calm next step

Tonight, pause once during the bedtime story and ask: 'What do you think she's feeling?' That is it. One question. Then keep reading.